This is somewhat of a change from my typical posts. …. A former co-worker died the other day. He took his own life. How incredibly sad. And somehow, I wasn’t surprised that death was at his own hand.
I can’t say that I knew him well but every time he saw me he engulfed me in a bear hug. That’s the kind of person he was – if he knew you he would always greet you. But there was a pale of sadness that always hung around him. You could always sense it. Part of the problem, if I were to analyze it, was that he wanted to be married and to have a family around him. This didn’t happen and since he was in his mid 50’s I suspect he figured it wouldn’t. Would he have been a good husband, a good father – I have no idea, but I think this was his heart’s desire.
He was a great volunteer. He was always being asked to help someone out and I don’t recall him ever refusing. He loved sports and spent his time involved in whatever the season’s main sport was. That and the work he did for the heart drive each year were two things that identified who he was.
There is a sense of loss. But also a sense of futility. To be honest, I don’t know which emotion prevails at this moment – sadness at the loss, or anger that it came to this. When loneliness and despair take root, and I believe they did, then this is a powerful combination. I’m not sure that he had the spiritual foundation that was strong enough to fight this.
I can’t think of anything more despairing then the moment before one actually commits the act – a little madness, I think. Had he thought about how this would affect those who did care for him, would he have followed through? I don’t know.
