On the whole… I’m not in favor of sympathy. I realize that people are trying to be kind but typically the expression is done in such an uncomfortable or off handed way. Rarely is there any true expression – typically it is the banal, trite statements. One does doubt the sincerity if you are on the receiving end and one really doesn’t know how to best extend sympathy if you are on the giving end.
So if you are on the receiving end, what are you seeking if it’s ‘sympathy’ you want? Understanding? Appreciation? Empathy? And that’s at the heart of the problem – what it is that we really are wanting? Too often, we don’t even identify our own need. If the situation is painful then the only thing you really are wanting is to get through it and have some alone time (though not too much of the latter). Plus – receiving it only adds to the pain of the moment.
If you are on the giving end you really want to express sympathy and you don’t want your own feelings to get in the way. Terrible dilemma. Perhaps it is me but… do you know of any effective way to offer sympathy? Obviously putting the emphasis on the other person and what they may be experiencing rather than your own sense of discomfort is the basis. I sometimes think that in our expressions we are attempting to remember our own similar situation and respond accordingly.
I realize and understand the purpose of sympathy. And if I’m sounding harsh or insensitive it’s because too few can express it effectively. I remember that when my mother died that I was angry and my Dad was numb. Which are typical responses. As long as we sympathy-givers don’t try and ‘fix’ the anger or numbness but instead acknowledge it – then the sympathy is real and accepted. And once we work through our feelings as receivers, then we can appreciate what others have said or done.
…but, what do you think?
