Many times we hear (or say) ‘ don’t shoot the messenger’. This preface typically precedes a sad/’bad’ message. Which means that the listener/receiver is automatically on guard about the upcoming message. And to divorce the messenger from the message is incredibly difficult…but without being forewarned, the two do become one. Which means that relationship, at least for a time, will be effected. Whether or not the message is ‘formidable’, and whether or not you are the messenger or receiver – the message and how it is presented makes all the difference. Presentation always dictates understanding.
I suspect that that myriad of reactions is a major factor in our dislike of having to present these types of messages. But there are times when this is our only recourse. Now what!? The ‘How’ we present our message becomes the focus. There is one school of thought that says you should begin with a positive comment before presenting the real focus. I remember one employer who always did this. The problem is that none of the positives were ever really heard because everyone knew what would happen next – the shoe would drop. In adhering to this approach, compliments were rarely trusted. How can you trust either of the two messages? What’s the motivation? Plus, I really dislike giving or receiving mixed messages.
Scripture tells us to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Never mince words or try to lessen the message – this only leads to misunderstandings. If the message is correction then my advice is to always ask the listener questions to make certain that they understand the message. Whenever you attempt to ‘soften’ the words, you do run the risk of confusion. And remember that your motivation should be for the best for the listener and not simply to distance yourself from the message and the source.
Harsh or problematic messages are always difficult and if you are tasked with conveying the message, then be honest with the message as well as the receiver. It should be truth and resolution that are the objects of the task. I tend to ask questions before I give the message to make certain that the message and the listener are the proper combination. Many times hurt feelings can be avoided when you, as the messenger, ask questions to discover the recipient’s understanding. This can give you understandings about how you do present the message.
When you find yourself on the receiving end – questions are also appropriate. If an accusation – then if true, you need to accept and make amends. If not true, then you need to attempt to present ‘your side’… and mere saving face is never a sufficient motivation. The same format applies to ‘correction’ issues. Sometimes the person presenting the information really doesn’t have all the facts. Never just be stoic – if your hands are clean, you need to present your whys and hows.
Regardless… the ‘how’ in presenting and receiving and moving on should become the mindset.
