Do you get caught in the shoulda, coulda, oughta? Of course you do. We all do. The difference is the extent to which we let it control our lives and especially our feelings. This is a form of ‘if only…’ which accomplishes no more than the other words do. The point really isn’t what we shoulda/coulda/oughta have done, have said… it’s what we do now. How do we let it not control us? How do we learn from it!
Being me, the first step is an honest (no excuses) appraisal – could I have done differently? Did I know and deliberately choose not to? What’s my reality at this moment of ‘awareness’? In some respects, this step is irrelevant if you are caught in the s/c/o – you are more involved with hitting yourself over the head or bemoaning what you did/didn’t do. However, once you emerge from this state I would recommend you do a honest analysis, even if you can’t change what’s happening or the ramifications. The reason for this is so that you don’t repeat.
Sometimes the s/c/o state is something you can ‘fix’. Do you want to? Do you need to? Or… to throw in another trite phrase: should you let sleeping dogs lie? If saving face is the sole reason for doing something, then you have no basis for doing anything. Your face really should be the last consideration. What you need to determine is: can/should something be done are you the one to ‘fix it’? Sometimes the hardest yet best action is to allow someone else to make whatever changes need to be.
Personally, I don’t tend to spend a great deal of time in the s/c/o mindset – I tend to be more proactive, which can also cause problems. If something’s ‘wrong’ then correction has always been the logical action. Problem is… it really isn’t always. However, knowing your own style gives you enough time and information to ‘head yourself off at the pass’. Correction may be the next step and you may be the principle actor in it… but maybe not. Shoulda, Coulda, Oughta may be magnified in a too quick response as easily as a too slow one.
…but, what do you think? what do you believe?
