First… understanding is not agreement but it is the first step to know if there is communication. Are you hearing one another – actually, are you even listening? Are you speaking the same language (same words, same definitions)? Sometimes we discover we are using different words but meaning the same thing, thus the need to listen. Sometimes we discover we are using the same words but have different definitions, thus the need to listen. To agree you have to understand and to understand you have to listen. And to listen the speaker has to communicate. Both are responsible.
When I listen to you, I’m attempting to know your mindset, your frame of reference. If I don’t want to know what it is you are saying and why then there’s no point in listening. You can’t listen in order to argue – that’s equally pointless. You have to listen to understand. Once you have understanding then you can decide if you agree or not.
Assumptions is not a basis for understanding. In the first place, assumptions are based on your frame of reference not the other person. The problem is that either/both the speaker and listener could be operating from assumption of understanding. It is equally important for the speaker to be conscious of what they are saying as they are of what/how the listener seems to be hearing.
Communicating is also related to purpose. Why is the speaker saying what they are – providing content? attempting to influence? etc. – all of this needs consideration by both the speaker and listener. If my purpose is for you to understand what I’m saying then I will attempt to speak in a manner that includes you into the process. If all I’m doing is hearing myself talk then what’s the purpose? But… never ask – ‘what do you think?’ unless you are ready to accept the response, it may not be what you expect.
