A friend was recently going through a time of intense loss, resulting in a great deal of grief. All of us have times in our lives that are marked with a depth of grief that can surprise us. Actually, I find the times of being blindsided by memories that can come as a complete surprise, the most difficult. Point is, if the person was important in your life, you shouldn’t be surprised. A smell, a song, a taste, all sorts of things can trigger the memories causing a re-emergence of grief.
Anyone who tells you to, “…get over it!” has no idea of either the depth of your relationship with the person or a sense that everyone has their own internal time that determines how long one may be grief stricken. Yet… their words, regardless of how they are spoken, are also true. The point may be in HOW we express our grief… how publicly and how emotional. And also whether we have allowed the grief to express itself or control us. Yes you need to allow yourself to express what you feel but after a certain amount of time (have no idea what length is ‘proper’), you do need to ‘move on’. Life does move on. And no, that doesn’t mean you should forget the person.
Face the reality that you will get blindsided at times. But don’t let the grief control you… allow yourself to remember the positives and all the good. Grief can control but at some point you have to resume living and that also means resume the control over your own life. Would the person you are grieving want you to continue to live in the past? Of course not. You honor them the best if you do move on and live a life that demonstrates your best you. (And not inconsequentially – how they have impacted your life.)
Being caught in grief is a given. How you respond is who you are and how you go about being you. Initially it will be difficult but then let the relationship you experience become the foundation of how you go about allowing people into your life. You won’t have the same relationship as you experienced with the person no longer with you but some of the aspects of the relationship can be replicated or used as some kind of ‘desired’ standard. In some ways being caught in grief is always your choice of how you choose to honor that other person and your relationship.
