“I know what you feel/think/etc.” Quite honestly, I cringe when I hear those words. I try very hard not to use them, but I’m guilty too. There’s no way to actually know what another person is feeling or thinking. However, I also realize it’s an attempt to make them feel that they are not all alone, or to set up some kind of empathetic basis. Personally, I would prefer someone to say that they can appreciate how I might feel. That, for me, is a greater display of empathy than saying that they may know what I’m feeling or thinking.
I know that someone saying those words is attempting to comfort, and initially that is the recipient’s reaction. However, for me, somewhere in the middle of the sentence I’m suddenly feeling quite dismissed. It’s as if what I’m feeling isn’t all that significant. And yes, I realize that is not the intent. But that is what my reaction is. Not true for all? Possibly, but take a moment and consider how you feel when those words are used with you. Initially it is comforting and then it becomes disquieting. Do you know why?
While another person may feel similarly to how you are responding, no one but you knows exactly how and why you feel or think the way you do. How you feel, think, respond is what makes each person the unique individual that they are. For me, when in sad or stressful situations, I don’t want someone else to dismiss me with a, ‘I know…’. They don’t. They may have gone through the same or similar situation but not mine. Petty? Possibly.
All of us want to feel that we are special and unique – whether or not we are willing to acknowledge it. To dismiss us as ‘one of the group’, that what we are currently experiencing is something that everyone does, is not necessarily helpful. It undoubtedly is true, just not always helpful. We need to maintain our uniqueness as well as our connectedness. Dismissing our feelings or thoughts as not particularly different from the masses is rarely positive.
…but, what do you think?
