Shoulda, coulda, oughta (s/c/o).. they Are important and that’s one of the frustrations about them – we had the opportunity! What did we do? Well the words themselves tell us that we Didn’t… but that’s about all. What about the importance and value of the shoulda, coulda, oughta’s? Are they really ‘need to’s’? Regardless, there are no do-overs, we can’t live yesterday again. In so many ways, we really can’t go back. So, how much time do we waste in thinking about what we didn’t do?
Surprisingly, sometimes the s/c/o state is something you can ‘fix’. Do you want to? Do you need to? Or…to throw in another trite phrase – should you ‘let sleeping dogs lie’? If saving face is the sole reason for doing something, then you have no basis for doing anything. Your face really should be the last consideration. What you need to determine is: can/should something be done and are you the one to ‘fix it’? Sometimes the hardest yet best action is to allow someone else to make whatever changes need to be made.
Why do we even go to those places of lost and/or wasted opportunities? If they can be a guide for us about how to react to similar situations in the future… then there’s value. If all we look at is the ‘missed’ then we are wasting our energy. Learning and applying are our clues. When we take our misses or mistakes and allow them to guide us in similar situations… then we provide ourselves with understandings, new strategies, new coping – and that’s never a waste. But have you ever asked yourself what you gain by only bemoaning the loss?
Personally, I don’t tend to spend a great deal of time in the s/c/o mindset – I tend to be more proactive, which can also cause problems. If something’s ‘wrong’ then correction has always been the logical action. Problem is… it really isn’t always. However, knowing your own style gives you enough time and information to ‘head yourself off at the pass’. Correction may be the next step and you may be the principle actor in it… but maybe not. Shoulda, Coulda, Oughta may be magnified in a too quick respond as easily as a too slow one.
A related area is ‘what if’s’. I’ve always loved what if’s. If nothing else they are good mental gymnastics. For me, they are a teaching tool. Since I’m also an options planner, this kind of thinking gives me new and creative ways to look at (fill in the blank). And yes, we can overthink. Back to a context. Undoubtedly when we get into this context, we need to bring our motives, purposes and goals along. These will keep us in the right frame of reference… or point out our misplaced motives and goals.
Whether it’s the s/c/o or the what if mindset/way of operating, how we utilize these concepts can aid us, or not. What we do with mis-steps and how we subsequently use that understanding makes all the difference.
